Sometimes it is a little too late

Dear Dad,

I always have so many things I want to tell you, but I never seem to be able to articulate my thoughts properly, but either way there are so many things I have left unsaid.  To start I want to thank you for shaping me into the person I have become. Without your absence, I would never have discovered my strength, independence, or passion to have a fulfilling life.  You have taught me that at the end of the day you must depend on yourself before you depend on others.

Although I have found so many wonderful qualities in your absence, I have also discovered the demons that lie within myself.  From all of your broken promises, absence, and disappointment, I begin building a wall around myself. I promised to never allow another person to hurt me the way that you have repeatedly hurt me.  I have shut out so many people and have closed myself off to love and the opportunity to be loved. There were so many times, that I could have opened up to someone and had a life changing experience, but the fear of that person leaving or not caring enough was more overpowering. Sometimes I fear that I will never truly trust someone  because you broke me so many times.  It was your job to show me how to open up to people and all the experiences that life has to offer,but you were no where to be found.

I also allowed myself to accept that being second is okay. You have consistently placed me second in your life behind your girlfriends, work, your spouses children, your other responsibilities. I was never your first priority.  I went so long being okay with being placed second. Allowing to be others after thought. You had me think that I was not good enough, even my best efforts were not enough for you. I had to learn for myself that I am not a consolation prize. I am an amazing person worth knowing. I have so much to offer the world rather than being number two.

I can honestly say that I forgive you, but you simply do not hold a place in my life anymore.  I have shut off the part of my life where I allow others to make me feel unworthy of them.  As you constantly try to make an appearance in my well stable life, the shoe is now on the other foot. I do not have time to squeeze you into my busy schedule, you are not my first priority, my wall is already built, and I am done being hurt.

I know that you tell people that you don’t understand why I will not talk to you or give you a chance, or the times that you take credit for the person I have become.  My accomplishments you tell people about.  All of the things I have done through hard work and dedication that you take credit for.  You can keep the credit.  You can keep pretending that you have been a part of my life and have contributed to my accomplishments. The truth is that I stopped caring a while ago.

All of this may sound bitter and harsh, but I no longer feel anger towards you.  I truly feel sorry that you will never understand how broken you have really made me.  Of course this does not cover even half of what I really wanted to say, but its my way of ending all the thoughts that are trapped within my mind. And starts to answer the question “why am I so absent?”.  I’m absent because you were absent.

This is the beginning of my new found freedom.

 

XOXO

Kat

 

Advertisements